Well! Pregnancy turned out to be nothing like I imagined. I thought that I will be happy, and calm and excited to meet the new baby!
It was very exciting and I was looking forward to hold my first baby in my arms. But underneath, there was a volcano brewing: my anxiety shot to the moon! I was completely out of sorts. I did not know what is happening to me: I was fearful of the future, I was afraid the baby will not be healthy, and most of all I was afraid I will be a horrible mom to this kid.
Where did that come form?? I always thought I will have kids, and I will be a good mom. And now, that I am actually going to be one, I am worried that I will completely screw things up. The responsibility of raising another human was just crushing me. But why? Where did this come from? I could not find an answer and I felt so guilty. I loved the baby so much, and I had such mixed emotions: I was looking forward to step into the most important role of my life and welcome my first baby, but at the same time, I was guilty for being so afraid. Oh what a mess!
It made things worse that I could not find relief anywhere. I did not have the tools in my toolbox on how to calm myself, which I have now. I also could not find anyone to take me seriously. I talked to my doctor, I talked to therapists, to friends, and everyone just said this is normal. I was screaming inside: it is not! I am too anxious! What will my anxiety do to my baby?? The doc said don't worry about it, it will not harm him.
My son was born on November 5th 2008. It was the most amazing experience of my life, holding him for the first time. He was healthy and learned to do everything quickly. That first year is a blur, adjusting to a new life with a newborn and battling anxiety.
It was so odd! Every night around 7 pm, I felt this darkness creeping up on me and dragging me down into a black hole. It was the worst feeling ever. I cannot describe the silent suffering. I did not say a word, but I know now, looking back, it was extreme generalized anxiety.
Thank God, I am free from it. It cannot torment me anymore. I found a way to to kick anxiety to the curb! I did not take medication and therapy did not work for me. What worked was starting a self care practice, meditation and finding a new meaning in life!
I strongly believe the Universe was nudging me to wake up. I resented it until I could not take it anymore. I had to change something. I was determined to find a solution.
[follow my health Journey on the next post: Becoming Well]